Unselfishness Redefined

Hello all.  Today I am moved to blog about a topic I feel near and dear to.  That of choosing whether or not to have children, and the labels associated with it.

"That couple doesn't want to have children, that is so selfish."

We have all heard that line before, probably more than once, and to be honest I am of two minds about it.  It actually sparked me into action and I did a little online research on the topic of not having children.  I found these interesting articles:

*  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201206/defensive-about-not-having-children-philosopher-says-we-have-it-all-wrong


*  I cannot think of any selfless reason to have a child, if the question refers to a process of reasoning, rather than a biological drive to reproduce, which I assume it does. I used to think that it would help the human race, if a high IQ was possibly passed on. But that is hardly selfless, since ego would be involved, and a desire to have some kind of immortality. This is a desire that is not necessarily going to be fulfilled. What if the child does not reproduce? Why should they, just for a parent's ego to feel it will continue? It would be irrational and wrong to expect grandchildren as a right. So that reason for having a child did not stand up to close scrutiny and I no longer believe it. If, however, we look at 'irrational' motivations for having children, they can be selfless. There is a definite biological drive that seems to go against all rationality, when the pain and expense of childbearing is taken into account. Then there is the love that the child engenders - which is a selfless feeling, where another being's needs become far more important than your own. So there is a selfless element, but it is not a 'reason' in the sense of coming from a process of rational thought. – Mary Hawkes 2 years ago from this discussion:  https://www.knowhowcompany.com/en/question/15067/Give-one-selfless-reason-to-have-a-child

Again, I am of two minds on the topic of having children myself.  On one side, perhaps the more socially 'acceptable' side (like I care! lol), I have felt what it is like to be part of a large family, to be included in that merriment, and honestly it is pretty awesome.  There is something magnificent about brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents gathered 'round the table celebrating holiday events or just having a normal dinner together every other weekend.  It seems something is always happening, never a dull moment.  The love you experience just being a part of this kind of time together, being a part of something larger than yourself...a clan you are part of...well it is simply wonderful.

I also had the time a very short while ago when I thought I might be pregnant.  For the first time in my life I actually felt ready.  Now I have never been a baby person...have never really thought they were cute.  Never really wanted to hold one.  I've always been much more of an animal person.  But for a short while the idea that I could actually be a mother...well it pleasantly shocked me to the core.  I was genuinely excited, and genuinely a little let down when I found out it wasn't true.  I felt I enjoyed that brief nurturing feeling that I didn't know I had.  For the first time in my life I no longer cared much about what becoming pregnant might mean for my physique.  I realized that my misgivings about pregnancy in the past, which I had attributed to not wanting to become less attractive, had actually been more related to my situation.  My situation was that of living with a person who pretty much played video games all day and sat in cat litter on the floor with a mounting pile of emptied 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew next to him.  Who never offered to help clean anything and lived on Lucky Charms cereal.  Someone who I couldn't imagine would be of any help to me in parenting as he was more of a roommate than a partner in any sense.  A quote comes to mind, actually, "It is better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone."  I felt very alone at that time in my life, and the idea of going out of my way to have a child in that situation and raising it all 'alone' seemed outright unappealing.

But things felt very different to me recently as my situation is completely different now and I have a loving partner who would make an excellent dad.  I was actually very excited at the prospect of becoming a parent, and a little let down when it was not to be.  But the let down was more of an "awwww" feeling than an outright "noooo!"  This is because I have other things in my life that are pretty important to me too.  We both do.

For instance, my husband and I would love to travel as much as possible.  And my child in life is essentially art.  Call it a brain child, if you will.  Lonely?  Hardly.  We have wonderful families and friends to hang out with whenever we want to.  And honestly, we are pretty content with our lives.  We work, play, have balance and essentially nirvana in a nutshell...contentment with our lives and life choices, goals we are working toward, love for each other and the world in general.  Speaking of the world in general I will mention here that one argument for not having children is the environmental footprint increasing factor.  Now I know many people out there don't believe there is actually anything affected by the population's strain on the food and water supplies.  That is fine.  I am all for people believing whatever they want.  But just know that many other people believe that our wars 50 years in the future will be over water, not oil.  A larger family uses more of the Earth's resources, including food and water.  Not to mention the larger amount of trash produced, and let's face it not everything is recyclable just yet, and many people choose not to recycle the things they can actually recycle.  Just saying.  Having perhaps just one child or perhaps none from that standpoint seems less selfish than having many.

There is also the peace of mind of not having to worry about someone's needs constantly who is dependent upon you.  Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.  Sometimes I think it is less selfish to take your own stress handling capabilities into account.  To really know yourself and your limitations, and to honor that person and what might honestly be a lot for them to handle.  Personally I find owning cats trying enough.  One of them is pretty old and meows constantly for food, even when he has just been fed.  I find I spend a good portion of each day caring for him.  In addition to not having to worry about meeting a young human's often demanding needs, there is less financial strain, and frankly less chance of messing someone up.  I hear parenting is pretty challenging, and honestly I'm not sure I'm up to that challenge.  Now I know some of the rewards can be amazing...some of the experiences pretty incomparable, but the truth is my husband and I are pretty happy with our own experiences.

So I guess my summary is...let everyone choose their own adventure.  Don't judge them.  There are bonuses and negatives to every life choice.  Having kids can be a unique and amazing experience, but having each other and traveling can also be a unique and amazing experience.  Perhaps the truly unselfish way to live, the best thing we can all do in life is to embrace other's life choices and focus on love instead of labeling.  Whether you have a blooming family of many or a meager family of 2 or 3, be happy with what you've got, where you're at.  If you're truly happy with your life and who you are working on becoming there should never be a need to make waves.  If you find yourself or someone you care about needing to look at other people's life choices and mock or judge them in some misguided effort to bring yourself up, try to get to the root of that feeling.  Ask yourself why you or the person you care about is doing that.  What is the true source of discontent there?  Get to the root of it and from finding that root and awareness, find ways of dealing with that discontentment.  This reminds me of a book I am really wanting to read, You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Never-Upset-Reason-Think/dp/0965137112.  The truth is, people who are truly content with themselves, who they are, and where their lives are going to be happy with and accepting of others.  When we find ourselves discontent and needing to attack, there is something underneath that.  Something we should dig up and deal with to get back to our true bliss.  But that is another blog for another day...